TASK :- To Shoot Yourself In The Foot +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 370 JCL You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page document explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried. (Alt) You find the first building you're in in the phone book, then find your office number in the corporate phone book. Then you have to write this down and describe, in cubits, your exact location in relation to the door (the right side thereof). Then you need to write down the location of the gun (loading it is a proprietary utility), then you load it, and the COBOL program, and run them, and with luck, it may be run tonight. Ada After correctly packing your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover you can't because your foot is of the wrong type. (Alt) You scour all 10e54 pages of the manuals, looking for references to foot, leg, or toe; then you get hopelessly confused and give up. You sneak in when the boss isn't around and finally write the damn thing in C. You turn in 7,689 pages of source code to the review committee, knowing they'll never look at it, and when the program needs maintenance, you quit. Access You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots holes in all your Borland distribution diskettes instead. Algol You shoot yourself in the foot with a Civil War-era musket. The musket is aesthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent medic in the emergency room. Algol 60 You spend hours trying to figure out how to fire the gun because it has no provisions for input or output. Algol 68 You mildly deprocedure the gun, the bullet gets firmly dereferenced, and your foot is strongly coerced to void. ASP You may load the gun and pull the trigger, but the bullet will only hit your foot if you use Internet Explorer. Assembler You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to discover you must first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger, and your foot. (Alt) Using only 7 bytes of code, you blow off your entire leg in only 2 CPU clock ticks. APL You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters. (Alt) You hear a gunshot and there's a hole in your foot, but you don't remember enough linear algebra to understand what happened. (Alt) @#&^$%&%^ foot Basic (interpreted) You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol until your foot is waterlogged. Basic (compiled) You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a SCUD missile launcher. C You shoot yourself in the foot. C++ You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me over there." C# You shoot yourself in the foot, but first have to switch to unsafe mode. (Alt) Object "Foot" will be included in the next release. You can upgrade for $500. Cobol USE HANDGUN.COLT(45), AIM AT LEG.FOOT, THEN WITH ARM.HAND.FINGER ON HANDGUN.COLT(TRIGGER) PERFORM.SQUEEZE RETURN HANDGUN.COLT(45) TO HIP.HOLSTER. Concurrent Euclid You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot. CP/M You remember when shooting yourself in the foot with a BB gun was a big deal. csh After searching the manual until your foot falls asleep, you shoot the computer and switch to C. dBase You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and are promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to actually shoot bullets. DCL You manage to shoot yourself in the foot, but while doing so you also shoot yourself in the arm, stomach, and leg, plus you shoot your best friend in the chest, the neighbour's dog and your car. A month later you're not able to understand your program anymore when you read the source. (Alt) $ MOUNT/DENSITY=.45/LABEL=BULLET/MESSAGE="BYE" BULLET::BULLET$GUN SYS$BULLET $ SET GUN/LOAD/SAFETY=OFF/SIGHT=NONE/HAND=LEFT/CHAMBER=1/ACTION=AUTOMATIC/LOG/ALL/GULL SYS$GUN_3$DUA3:[000000] GUN.GUN $ SHOOT/LOG/AUTO SYS$GUN SYS$SYSTEM:[FOOT] FOOT.FOOT %DCL-W-ACTIMAGE, error activating image GUN-CLI-E-IMGNAME image file $3$DUA240:[GUN] GUN.EXE;1-IMGACT-F-NOTNATIVE, image is not an OpenVMS Alpha AXP image Eiffel You create a GUN object, two FOOT objects, and a BULLET object. The GUN passes both the FOOT objects as a reference to the BULLET. The FOOT objects increment their hole counts and forget about the BULLET. A little daemon then drives a garbage truck over your feet and grabs the bullet (both of it) on the way. (Alt) You take out a contract on your foot. The precondition is that there's bullet in the gun; the postcondition is that there's a hole in your foot. FORTH Foot in yourself shoot. (Alt) BULLET DUP3 * GUN LOAD FOOT AIM TRIGGER PULL BANG EMIT DEAD IF DROP ROT THEN FORTRAN You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception handling ability. FTP $ ftp lower-body.me.org ftp> cd /foot ftp> put bullets Haskell You shoot yourself in the foot very elegantly, and wonder why the whole world isn't shooting itself this way. HTML Shoot here HyperTalk Put the first bullet of the gun into the foot left of leg of you. Answer the result. Java The gun fires just fine, but your foot can't figure out what the bullets are and ignores them. JavaScript You've perfected a robust, rich user experience for shooting yourself in the foot. You then find that bullets are disabled on your gun. LaTeX \documentclass[12pt]{article} \usepackage{latexgun,latexshoot} \begin{document} See how easy it is to shoot yourself in the foot? \\ \gun[leftfoot]{shoot} \\ \pain \end{document} $ latex foot_shooting line 6: undefined control sequence \pain LISP You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds... Modula2 After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head. MOO You ask a wizard for a pair of hands. After lovingly handcrafting the gun and each bullet, you tell everyone that you've shot yourself in the foot. Motif You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams. .NET You can now shoot yourself in the foot with any of fourteen weapons, ranging from an antique medieval crossbow to a laser-guided Destructo-Beam. However, all these weapons must be manufactured by Microsoft and you must pay Microsoft royalties every time you shoot yourself in the foot. Occam You shoot yourself in both feet at the same time with the same pull of the trigger. You have no idea how it happened, but it did. Oracle You decide to shoot yourself in the foot, so you go out and buy a gun, but the gun won't work without "deploying" a shoulder holster solution, relational titanium-alloy bullets, body armor infrastructure, a laser sight assistant, a retractable arm stock application, and an enterprise team of ballistic experts, and a chiropodist. Paradox Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can, too. Pascal The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot. Perl You shoot yourself in the foot, but nobody can understand how you did it. Six months later, neither can you. (Alt) There are so many ways to shoot yourself in the foot that you post a query to comp.lang.perl.misc to determine the optimal approach. After sifting through 500 replies (which you accomplish with a short Perl script), not to mention the cross-posts to the perl5-porters mailing list for which you upgraded your first sifter into a package, which of course you uploaded to CPAN for others who might have a similar problem (which, of course, is the problem of sorting out e-mail and news, not the problem of shooting yourself in the foot), you set to the task of simply and elegantly shooting yourself in the foot. Next, you decide it was so much fun that you invent another six completely different ways to do it. PHP You shoot yourself in the foot with a gun made with pieces from 300 other guns. PL/1 After consuming all system resources including bullets, the data processing department doubles its size, acquires 2 new mainframes and drops the original on your foot. PostScript foot bullets 6 locate loadgun aimgun shoot showpage Prolog You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit it to explain it to you. Python You shoot yourself in the foot and then brag for hours about how much more elegantly you did it than if you had been using C or Perl. (Alt) You create a gun module, a gun class, a foot module, and a foot class. After realizing you can't point the gun at the foot, you pass a reference to the gun to a foot object. RPG First you define your gun, bullet, and firing pin. Then, you define your foot, toes, and toenails. Then, you open chamber and load the gun. Then, you cock it. Now you're finally ready to shoot yourself in the foot. Ruby Your foot is ready to be shot in roughly five minutes, but you just can't find anywhere to shoot it. Smalltalk You daydream repeatedly about shooting yourself in the foot. SNOBOL If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot. SQL Insert into Foot Select Bullet From Gun.Hand Where Chamber = 'LOADED' And Trigger = 'PULLED'; troff rmtroff -ms -Hdrwp | .*place bullet in footer .B .NR FT +3i .in 4 .bu Shoot! .br .sp .in -4 .br .bp NR HD -2i Unix $ ls foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o $ rm * .o rm: .o: No such file or directory $ ls $ Visual Basic You'll really only appear to have shot yourself in the foot, but you'll have had so much fun doing it that you won't care. Visual BASIC.NET You spend a fortune on a high-powered, self-cleaning, self-aiming, automatic handgun with unlimited ammo, only to realize it takes a year to pull the trigger. Windows95 C:\setup.exe XBase Shooting yourself is no problem. If you want to shoot yourself in the foot, you'll have to use Clipper. XML You can't actually shoot yourself in the foot; all you can do is describe the gun in painful detail. Zork >shoot self in foot I don't see any self here. >shoot me in foot There is no you in the foot. >shoot foot I don't know which foot you're talking about. >shoot left foot You don't have the gun. >get gun You take the gun. You're lantern just went out. You are attacked by grues. * * * YOU HAVE DIED * * *